The scariest thing ever, Leaving the hospital

Don’t get me wrong I wanted out, like caged lion out but I was nervous. This is a baby a living human being not like Megabyte who was 6 weeks when we got him and after 3 days I begged Steve to take him back where he came from (which we didn’t). There was no going back and it was like nothing I’ve ever done.

So they wheel me out and Xander and I wait in the wheelchair in the waterfall hallway while Steve and the hospital dude put our stuff in the car and hospital dude inspects Steve’s work on installing the car seat (which of course he did correctly). Then I’m wheeled out and Steve puts Xander in the car seat and helps me in the car and away we go.

Holy shit every fucking driver on the road is trying to kill us!!! That is what I was thinking the whole 5 mile drive to our house. I mean wow, it was like everyone on the road knew we had a newborn in our car and they wanted to take him out. Of course that was not true at all in fact no one cut us off and we got home safe and sound but I’m pretty sure my blood pressure was up up and away.

So we are home and I can feel it, I’m scared shitless like omg we have a baby. What have we done, are we ready? Should we have waited? What the hell do we do with him now? All this is running through my head in the short time it takes Steve to get out of the car.

Steve helps me out of the car and gets Xander. Now it’s time for the big meeting of the dogs. I did some research on it, how you should do it so we followed what was said. We opened the door said our hellos and placed the car carrier on the floor and let them take a look and sniff.  That was a little scary, but we have great dogs so I didn’t really expect anything to happen and luckily it didn’t.  They didn’t really understand what was in there. Ta-Chi nor Megabyte have really been around babies so I guess all they saw was this little thing that moved but they seem to know at the same time it wasn’t a toy.

We place Xander up on the kitchen table (in his car seat of course) and just stand there for a bit and star at him as he slept.

I went to go pee and as I sat I began to think about how everything has changed and I was just so scared I begin to cry. I come out and Steve asks me what is wrong and I tell him and he holds me, I start to feel better. About 20 minutes later I begin to cry again…I’m telling you postpartum is a crazy thing. Poor Steve so sleep deprived from the hospital and here he is a new baby and a crazy wife.

He was so good to me always there to hold me. Before we left the hospital the nurse told him that I would be this way and explained to him what to look out for incase my postpartum became more than it should. I’ll never forget when I started to cry one time and he was like now is this you or is it the postpartum and I would make sure to tell him which one it was.

A fear that I’ve always had and not one I share but I will now is when I had a child my husband would love it more than me and I would be placed in the background. It was so nice to be able to share that fear with him and know that would never be the case.

We watch some TV awaiting the arrival of my grandparents. It was really great to have them come over. My grandma brought us food for the rest of the week so we didn’t have to worry about that and I needed another shoulder to cry on. I was having a hard time with breastfeededing (which I will post about soon) and when they came I had just got done trying and failing. It was so nice to have my grandma there to hold me and tell me everything would be alright.

That first night was hard and then the next day was hard and then it turned into a whole week of being hard.

Everyone has been tired. Most everyone has went out and drank and not got home until the wee hours of the morning. But being what I call baby tired is something all together different because it’s worried tired. Xander slept and we slept but it’s no kind of deep sleep because in the back of your mind is always worry for the baby. Also comes the having to wake up every 2 hours to feed Xander. I never really understood that until I read how milk is the only source not only of food but water…well duh I never thought about a baby becoming dehydrated! On top of that since I was having a hard time getting him to latch when he was sleeping I was pumping.

Well I say “I” was pumping but really it was Steve pumping me! All we had was a manual hand pump and it was a double so I had to hold the cups to my boobs while Steve did the pump. The first and second time was a lot of laughing because hey how many women can say their husbands milked them? By the third time and on it was annoying but it was time spent together so…what are you going to do.

Looking back now it’s almost like it was so long ago. The days, turned into weeks and weeks into months.

Everyday there is something new, new to learn or something new Xander has learned.

The beginning of this adventure has been the most challenging thing I have ever done so far in my life and definitely so very rewarding.

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