I had a Miscarriage Yesterday

SATURDAY JULY 11, 2015 after going to the ER and finding out I was miscarrying

I don’t know how to feel after the news of my miscarriage. The dumb thing is I never thought it would happen to me and then it did and now I’m part of the statistic that 1 and 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Everything feels jumbled when it comes to my feelings. I have 2 absolutely beautiful children whom I love beyond all, so I should just be happy for that right? I am happy about that, but I wonder what this child would have been or could have been and that makes me sad. I’m happy that I didn’t feel its kicks or see it on an ultrasound. I’m sad that I didn’t get to feel its kicks or see it on an ultrasound. I’m happy that my body is smart enough to know that something was wrong, but I’m sad that I had no choice in the matter. I hated the look on Xander’s face when I told him that there was no longer a baby in mommy’s tummy. He yelled at me and said “yes there is.” I told him I’m sorry bud but mommy went to the doctor and I saw. He came over to me and poked me in the stomach and said “yes, there is a baby in there!” He then ran and sat on the couch with a sad face and looked at the TV. I asked him if he was ok and he said no, I asked him if he wanted a hug and he said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I didn’t realize that he was actually looking forward to the baby. I actually didn’t think he even really understood it. I feel so bad that he doesn’t understand but I’m happy he really doesn’t. It hurts to remember taking the test and the excitement of bringing it out to Steve and the absolute look of excitement and love on his face. It pains me to remember the day dreams of watching Steve hold and love our new baby, he is such an awesome dad and I always loved/love watching him with our babies.

I feel the new perspective that this has placed on me about life and loss. I know that people sometimes don’t know what to say in times like these. I imagine and have already heard the “well you are still young you can try again”, the “well everything happens for a reason”, “maybe it was for the best”, “God has a plan” and so on a so forth. The fact is I know all this but it doesn’t help, it won’t make me feel better, and it kind of pisses me off. I had a friend that had a miscarriage and I never knew what to say so all I said was I am sorry.

I’m not alone. I have my family and friends and that helps so much.

MONDAY JULY 13, 2015 After I had my miscarriage 

I woke up at 7:45am which is very rare, normally I’m awaken by Steve kissing me goodbye as he heads off to work and I head back off to dream land but not today. My stomach was cramping pretty bad, not that this wasn’t unexpected the doctor at the ER told me it would happen. I got up and went and took as many ibuprofen as I could and went back to bed. Once back in bed all I did was toss and turn, I tried to find a position that didn’t hurt so badly. I slept but woke up many times. At 9:00am Xander was ready to start his day and the pain seemed pretty much bearable. I got him up and made him cereal and then Zoe too was ready so I did the same for her. After they were done eating and I was no longer moving I noticed that the pain was really starting to kick up a notch. The kids where playing as I sat on the couch again trying to find a comfortable position but my efforts were futile as even if I did I had to constantly get up to see why one or the other of the kids where crying. At this point I felt a lot of blood gushing down there and go to the bathroom to see that I’ve filled a pad and now I have clots. With every up and down from the couch I have to go to the bathroom and speaking loud was making things push out making me have to be in the bathroom a lot. By 10:13am it was apparent that there was no way I could watch the kids and handle the cramping pain so I called Steve and told him I needed him to come home.

Once Steve was home I figured I could relax and handle what was going on with my body. The cramps were crazy and I started to notice something strange. I realized that these were not cramps at all I was having contractions! I’ve never had contractions, I’ve had 2 C-sections and they were always scheduled so I have never been in labor before.  Here I was having a miscarriage and for the first time feeling contractions, something that I’ve always wanted to feel (which no women who has given birth vaginally can even understand. At least not the ones I’ve said it too) but this isn’t how I wanted to feel them.  Since I still had my babybump app on my phone I decided to start clocking them. My contractions lasted 1.15 minutes and I had a break for 2.30 minutes. From 10:13am to about noon I was doing ok with them they were manageable. I sat on the toilet a lot and just rocked back and forth back and forth, while I bled and passed clots. I called my doctor and spoke to the nurse and told her what was happening and she told me that what I’m going through is exactly right. She said to use a heating pad on my stomach and drink warm liquids. Steve got me the heating pad and at first it really helped a lot.

Then my contractions became closer together and I no longer was receiving a break. They began to hurt so bad that nothing I did or medication I took made the pain hurt less. I began to lose it. I walked, I squatted, I tried to sit, I tried to lie down, I rocked my hips, I bent over, and NOTHING stopped the pain or made it better. I began to cry, and say over and over this isn’t right this can’t be right there is no fucking way women have miscarriages and don’t even know it. This can’t be right, and why am I bleeding so much, I’m filling a pad every 45 minutes, and what the fuck is coming out of me, how is it possible to have so much stuff still left inside of me big, small, long. I looked at Steve and said this isn’t right this just can’t be right something has to be wrong. He did all he could, said all the right things and held me while I cried. THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED LABOR TO BE!

I called my doctor again at 1:43pm at this point I was consumed by pain, endless pain and my God the pressure I thought if I could just poop or hell let out a big fart that I would feel so much better but of course that wasn’t going to happen nor was that the reason for my pain. I left a message for the nurse I told her this can’t be right I’m bleeding too much and I hurt so badly.

I couldn’t wait for a call back I took some more ibuprofen but by 2:20pm Steve looked at me and said “what do you want to do?” I told him I guess we go to the ER because I can’t take this pain. So we load into the car and I go in stand in line and wait to be checked in. I feel that the ibuprofen has kicked in at least enough to allow me to stand in line and not be bent over. As I’m standing there waiting I feel blood just gushing out and I know that this pad that I just put on is not going to hold it all in. I walk to the counter and tell her I was here on Friday night and was told I was having a miscarriage but that I’m actually now bleeding.  She gave me my wrist band and off to the bathroom I went only to find I was correct, the pad was soaked and so was my underwear and shorts. I put in a new pad and came out of the bathroom, I attempted to sit down but it was too painful. I waited about 10 minutes and went back to the counter and told he women that I’m bleeding really bad and asked how long I had to wait. She told me that she wasn’t sure and gave me a pad. The one she gave me was a bit thicker than what I had so off to the bathroom I went again and put that one on. I came out and just walked down the aisle to the other side. I called Steve and told him I can’t wait here because I checked online and the wait time was 60+ minutes! He drove to the front and picked me up.

On the way back home I just kept myself propped up so that I could make it the 2 miles back with as little pain as possible. Once home I went into the house grabbed a clean pair of underwear and went to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet and since I was still having a contraction I pushed with all my might and out came the last clot (my gestational sac) I had to get rid of. I’ve never in my life experience such utter pain relief.  All the pressure all the pain everything just was gone. I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time, I just couldn’t believe it. After that it was like nothing ever happened. I was in a miscarriage labor for 7.5 hours.

I’m sharing this because it isn’t talked about enough. I can’t imagine going through this and only know what I’ve been told by doctors. I always heard that miscarriages involved cramping, much like you would have when you have your period. No one said anything about contractions, contractions are NOT cramps. You will pass some clots, no one said that it would actually be a lot of clots and some would be the size of a lemon. I always knew that there would be emotional pain but no one told me of the physical pain, the pain felt as if you were giving birth but didn’t have the option of any type of pain reliever but what can be found over the counter. I’m sure there is someone out there right now going through what I just went through and being completely scared out of their minds, I can just hope they have someone with them to help them through the pain or hope they read this and know you are not alone and what is happening is exactly as it should be.

The nurse finally called back and the first words out of her mouth were I needed to go to the hospital. I had to stop her and tell her that everything that needed to pass did. She was very sweet and was very empathetic. She also told me that the reason why I seemed to be bleeding a lot was because my gestational sac was blocking the blood so it was pooling and then coming all at once when it made room. This made since after it was all said and done but once again would have been good to know beforehand.

This is my story of my miscarriage and there are many different types (of miscarriages). I’m not exactly sure what mine was. I know that I was 8.5-10 weeks pregnant but when my gestational sac was measured during the ultrasound it only measured at 7 weeks 4 days.  It’s hard to think about the fact that for an entire month I was no longer pregnant or that even though I had a positive pregnancy test (all three of them I took as I waiting a week each time) and my body made the things I needed to hold the baby there was never in fact a baby. My body knew that there was something wrong and stopped the process but the gestational sac continued to grow.

I will never forget this experience more so because with this pregnancy I was going to fight to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section) because this would have been the last and I wanted to experience labor. Unfortunately, I got to experience labor but it wasn’t at all how I had it planned and it is super sad. Everything that Steve did for me though this is what I envisioned him doing for me at the hospital while giving birth to our new beautiful baby.

This has definitely been an emotional roller-coaster with more ups and downs than loops. It has made me realize how awesome my little family is. It already has and will continue to help me be a better mom.

I hope that if you are reading this that you understand that we want to talk about our miscarriages and you don’t have to feel uncomfortable with the conversation. You don’t even have to say anything at all, just listen and try not avoiding the subject. And for all you ladies that have gone through your own miscarriage please tell others about your experience (feel free to leave your stories in the comments or on my Facebook page). It’s so important to remember that miscarriages are out of your control.