It use to be that I didn’t care about my body. I thought I looked good. It wasn’t until about 3 years into being married that I started to worry a bit. I was becoming lazy and since I had a man that loved me for me I stopped doing the things I should have been doing to stay fit. I’d complain about my weight and then I wouldn’t do anything about it.
When I found my 10 year high school reunion was coming up I started P90x. P90x is intense and very time consuming. I believe I made it almost 90 days but because of my back I had to stop. Even though I stopped before I was suppose to I still got good results from it and lost some pounds and inches.
It’s pretty much known, if you do the math, that Xander was conceived at some point the weekend of my 10 year high school reunion. I never made it to my goal weight before becoming pregnant but I was so happy to be pregnant that it never crossed my mind.
Xander was 9lbz 4oz when he was born. I’m 5’ even, so that was quite a big baby in not so big a person. I was pretty big, all tummy. I gained some weight in my arms and legs but not too much.
So the point to the above is after I had Xander my body became… deflated. I think deflated is the BEST word to describe it and apparently stretch marks run in some part of my family because I’ve got those too. My stomach looks like a tiger stripped old man’s saggy ball sack and it SUCKS.
Today I went to Kohl’s to buy a pair of jeans and a new shirt. The last time I bought new clothes I was 30 weeks pregnant. I’ve tried on my pre-pregnant jeans and they fit except if I wear them everyone will get real hungry when they look at me because I’m one big muffin.
So I guess because it is summer the closest thing to jeans that Kohl’s is selling are Capri pants. I’m short so Capri pants are a bad choice, plus I don’t really like them all that much. So not I’m pretty pissed because I happen to like jeans no matter the weather so now here I am with nothing. So I find a dress that was nice and I go to the dressing room to try it on, and as I do so I’m just done. I’m over what pregnancy has done to my body. I hate it. For the first in my life I can’t look below my neck in a mirror. I feel sad about it, because I miss my old body, I miss feeling comfortable in clothes, I miss feeling fine being naked and I really miss feeling sexy. Standing in a dressing room alone with all the mirrors and trying on clothes that just don’t fit right any more is depressing and discouraging so I cry.
I sent Steve a picture of my in the dress and then I proceed to hang it back up on the rack. I walk over to the shoes because my old shoes no longer fit me. I’ve been wearing my sneakers since I had Xander. As I’m looking Steve calls me to tell me he loved the dress on me, so I reluctantly go get it off the rack. I continue to look at shoes and don’t see anything I like so I go to the flip-flops and find a really cute pair but when I try them on guess what? Yeah, they don’t fit my fit are to wide, so I cry again. I’m sure people looking at me were wondering what they hell my deal was LOL.
I don’t want to hear how other people have had the same thing happen because I don’t care about them I care about me and my body and my feelings and the fact that it sucks. It’s also so unfair for people to say to me “yeah but you had a healthy baby”, well DUH when I was pregnant I wasn’t thinking about my body I was thinking about my baby, but now that he is out and healthy…damn I get to complain!
Ok end rant.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way and I wish I had words to help you through it but I don’t because I know that feeling and nothing anyone says makes it better.
I will say that over the next months and years your body will start to pull itself together and in the mean time you might find that you have to wear different cuts of clothing than you used to but it does get better. For me, concentrating on nursing the baby the same way you did growing the baby helped me through that healing stage. But it still sucked. Love to you while you are feeling this way